I have to settle myself sometimes, perhaps it’s a bit of anxiety. My mind carries me down a path of worry and fear and I have to remind myself in those moments to relax, to stop. Life happens; sure, we can avoid certain things if we are careful, we can plan as much as we want, but we can’t control it all. Maybe I have a hard time with that sometimes.
Motherhood brings out a lot of this in me and as my children grow bigger, I’m finding that I’m having a harder time. When they are really little, you can keep them safely wrapped up in a soft blanket, at home, fed and happy. You worry about things as a new mom, but it’s different as they get bigger. As they grow, they start feeling things out for themselves and pushing that edge. As a mother, or for me anyway, I see them climbing or whatever it is, and panic sets in. Combined with this, my children are also pushing the edge with me (especially my two and four year old), seeing how far they can go, what they can get away with —seeking out their own sense of control, I guess. The combination can get to me. It’s hard somedays. Lately, I realized that when I feel out of control, I panic. There’s a correlation I never realized about myself. Perhaps that’s why I’m also afraid of heights and do not like roller coasters. It’s interesting how life continues to teach you about yourself along the way, isn’t it?
I don’t have any “fix” for this at all, fixing it isn’t really the answer, anyway, but I think understanding myself is — what helps me cope and relax, learning when to let things go and saving that sense of panic for when there is a legitimate worry. I know that I cannot control everything, but I can be more mindful and find my calm. Balance with everything in life is the key I am realizing.
They all say motherhood is hard and it is. It can feel like a downpour at moments, but the beauty is, there is always a rainbow when the rain stops. That’s life, too. It’s a beautiful, wonderful, crazy, amazing journey, isn’t it?